Handy's agony column

[MissHandbag]

About to dip my toes in the water. Am far too content in my singledom and decided either get out and date again or start collecting carrier bags, cats and weeing myself in training for mad bag lady proper.

Let's share dating tips and analyse diaries?

[GP]

Dear Handy.

I find dating difficult because of my enormous penis. Please advise.

Yours

Joey Jo Jo Junior

[LDG]

Dear Handy,

Do you have any good masturbation tips?

Yours

L_D_G

[MissHandbag]

Got a date tonight: I'm not excited about this which seems weird to me, is it?
?
He's a bit younger than me
on, the downside I'm still looking dozy from an allergic reaction to a bean salad on Sunday. On the plus side my voice is husky - Honor Blackman does Eastenders.

[Letters]

I think I can now count myself as the expert on this :cool:
How can I help?

[Letters]

Got a date tonight: I'm not excited about this which seems weird to me, is it??
Nah.

[MissHandbag]

Go to specsavers Joe Joe Junior

[MissHandbag]

Dear Handy,

Do you have any good masturbation tips?

Yours

L_D_G

After 2 years being single what do you think!

[Niall_Quinn]

Dear Handy,

I have a relationship with this incredibly tight bastard who makes me pay for everything and will never dip in his own pocket. His mate told me the skinflint is loaded but I've yet to see a penny, everything gets left to me to pay. He even sells my shit, all my favourite stuff and keeps the cash for himself. And he's into the really expensive hangouts too, the food and drink always costs a fortune and he's always wanting me to buy new gear to wear which is mega bucks. He told me he had a surprise for me this summer and I have waited and waited but fuck all, unless he means those two bits of junk he found in a skip on the way home? Can't be those, not even he could be that insensitive.

What should I do? Get rid of the miserly git or wait it out and see if he changes?

Niall Underscore Quinn

[LDG]

After 2 years being single what do you think!

What do I think?

Usually something young, with big tits.

[MissHandbag]

I think I can now count myself as the expert on this :cool:
How can I help?

Meet me at 8pm. I don't have a pumpkin so will bring a melon and 2 pigeons fairy godmother

[GP]

Looks more like 2 melons.

[MissHandbag]

Dear Handy,

I have a relationship with this incredibly tight bastard who makes me pay for everything and will never dip in his own pocket. His mate told me the skinflint is loaded but I've yet to see a penny, everything gets left to me to pay. He even sells my shit, all my favourite stuff and keeps the cash for himself. And he's into the really expensive hangouts too, the food and drink always costs a fortune and he's always wanting me to buy new gear to wear which is mega bucks. He told me he had a surprise for me this summer and I have waited and waited but fuck all, unless he means those two bits of junk he found in a skip on the way home? Can't be those, not even he could be that insensitive.

What should I do? Get rid of the miserly git or wait it out and see if he changes?

Niall Underscore Quinn

Dear Mr underscore Quinn

You're worried about your financial assets! Hello, your boyfriend is selling your shit! You need a reality check, possibly expert counselling as does your log robber. On a more practical note: try flushing after.

[PGFC]

Don't eat spinach, don't mention the age thing again and don't boast about going from cold to crashing orgasm in 2 minutes with your special Dremel attachments.

Otherwise knock yourself out :good: (sorry, with your track record, ignore that last bit)

[LDG]

Dear Mr underscore Quinn

You're worried about your financial assets! Hello, your boyfriend is selling your shit! You need a reality check, possibly expert counselling as does your log robber. On a more practical note: try flushing after.

:haha:

[MissHandbag]

Don't eat spinach, don't mention the age thing again and don't boast about going from cold to crashing orgasm in 2 minutes with your special Dremel attachments.

Otherwise knock yourself out :good: (sorry, with your track record, ignore that last bit)

Hmmm, forgot about that. The dilemma has changed: Stay at home with said attachments which also negates having to get dressed and leave the house, short pre date interlude ensures 100% mellow mood with possible cigarette cravings or reject all machinery in favour of human contact!

[PGFC]

Human contact?? :arry: Bollocks to that, bit too real-life for me.

[MissHandbag]

Have decided to go

Next instalment (should be gripping) to follow

[Letters]

Blow by blow account posted on here tomorrow kthxplz :good:

[PGFC]

:doh: No gripping either ffs, gently Handy, gently...you don't want to spook him

[MissHandbag]

Well, I'm not one to be too pre-emptive but my new dating diary might be paused. Had the most unexpectedly lovely date last night after all!

[PGFC]

You know the drill, pics or GTFO

oh.

well done anyway :clap:

[Letters]

Hurrah!

[LDG]

Huzzah!!

##

##

[MissHandbag]

No pictures and nothing untoward though we were having a coffee after our date in a deserted bit of a cafe. He kissed me goodnight and at that moment. a rotund gaudy young woman shouted 'get a room' as she thundered past to the loo! Now, my first instinct after her rudely berating our first kiss was to shout back: Get a gastric band. I opted for kissing him back instead. We have a next date anyway so the adage about it not being over til the fat lady sings are maybe a myth.

[Nayan]

she was probably just jealous / recently dumped